I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
