Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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