Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i love accidental penises.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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