Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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