My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
