Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
