Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
