There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
