When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
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Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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