I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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