FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
