Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
