i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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