Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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