im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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