woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
