it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
