How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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