On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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