Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize
