Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
