what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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