Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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