You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
