I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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