My nipple is on Facebook.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
