Just fell off a train. Bad.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He shit in the fireplace
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
