My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
