I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
