i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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