you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
