i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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