Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
