I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
This toilet bowl is my home.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
