We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
