i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
