Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
