you would pick up someone in the library
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
