On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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