Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
