you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
