im drinking this country out of the recession.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
