this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
