that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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