I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
