The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
