so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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