I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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