just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
