I am puke
I need to stop coming to work sober
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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