I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
