Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
