seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
