What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
