PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
